Getting Organized

This week was all about getting organized.

Its not that I didn't work hard last weekend. But somehow I realized on Monday afternoon that I had about a zillion pages yet to read for each of my 6 classes. Oh yeah - and did I mention that it somehow failed to dawn on me that I had 6 classes (not 5)?

So that was Monday.

And then on Tuesday I was so proud of waking early to go for a run, and then biking to work, settling in for a good morning ... before realizing that I was supposed to be in my 8:30 class and not at work at all. It was 8:39. So I pedaled my arse as fast as I could back to campus. And then remembered that the room had been changed. To which room? I don't know. And I couldn't get to my saved email box to find out. Technology - why must you fail me when I need you the most?!?! So I wandered the halls until I found my class (thank goodness Brown isn't so big!). Only 20 minutes late. Its horribly, horribly embarrassing to walk in 20 minutes late to a lecture class. I considered not going at all, but figured that would probably be worse in the long run. And to the one class where the instructor knows me! Not to mention that he was just getting to the 'expectations for students' part of his slide deck which listed 'arrive on time' number one.

And then? Well I went back to work after class and at about 2 in the afternoon got an email from my Epidemiology instructor stating that I shouldn't be concerned if I hadn't received my graded homework in return yet. Um. Graded and returned? When did I hand it in?!?! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

_sigh_
I HATE messing up like this.

Well lucky for me I wasn't the only walking disaster this week and the instructor took pity on us. No lost points.

So now its Thursday and my classes are done for the week. I put the finishing touches on my Excel spreadsheet where I've manually compiled all of the assignments for all SIX of my classes for the rest of the semester, and I got a 3 inch binder for all of the slides and notes and papers, and a folder for all of the stuff I haven't yet read, divided by class and project.

Somewhere along the way I became Type-A.

A Kid in a Candy Store

Today was my first day since June 24 that I felt strong. Giddy, even, with the rush of lots of cool, new ideas. Like a kid in a candy store. A day that ended with a run where Lance Armstrong told me (on my Nike+) that I ran my fastest mile yet.

And so ends one of the strangest periods of my 30 years.

There are a number of things to note about returning to school after a decade. Most were expected, but somehow feel surprising none-the-less. For one, the instructors are all your age. And they're nervous. And there's a lot of ego in grad school. A lot of energy expended worrying about whether or not to call someone 'Dr' So-and-so or just by their first name. And the PowerPoint presentations are really, really terrible. A usability practitioner's nightmare, to be honest. Red text everywhere. ALL CAPS. Clip-art graphics sprinkled throughout. And worse, clip-art graphics as background design. And coming from an IT world its strange to be among so many "users" - folks without any particular proclivity for technology. And I forgot how it feels to not be in charge of your own time-table.

There's lots of wonderful things too. Like how great it feels to move around during the day. And the honor-system coffee shop. And knowing that reading is working. That rush of discovering something new and exciting and the thrill of coming across a concept for the first time.

Working Hard Not to Forget

One week has already passed since I threw off the golden handcuffs. Though not so much "threw" as... I don't know, begrudgingly relinquished? And what a whirlwind of a week its been. I have my books, I've met hordes of classmates, I've had lunch with the dean and I passed a biology exam (yay!).

I've also started my RA job (that's Research Assistant, not Residential Adviser) at the HCRL where I have a cube that will be my home for the next two years and much of my old desk detritus has survived the trip. On-boarding in the lab was a little bumpier than I remember it being at MON. Details like where the bathroom is, how to get proper badge access, how to connect to your email account... yeah, you're on your own. And it continues to be strange to be a newbie - not really sure what my role is or what value I bring. I'm perpetually afflicted with self-doubt. In my old world I carried a little weight. Sure, I had to build trust with every new project team but folks pretty much knew who I was and what I brought to the table. Here its all new. And its going to take a little time.

All that said, I spent most of the week in orientation. The fervor around this initial class of MPH students is palpable. With two days of orientation down and two to go I can already tell that the culture is very different from where I've been. There's a lot of sensitivity to feelings. There are a lot of women.

Its been fun to ride my bike every day. Though on Monday I biked home in the pouring rain. And this morning - in a flurry to get out the door for a hectic day - I discovered I had a flat. Boo.

I'm still in that weird place between my old world and the new. The new is most completely unknown but every day grows a little more familiar... a little more normal. The old? Its like when someone you love dies. And you're so scared that you're going to forget what their voice sounds like... what it felt to be near them. So you expend a lot of energy forcing yourself to remember. Because you don't quite trust that you don't have to work so hard. They're already a part of you. Even knowing this, its still hard to hang on to my past life and make the connections to what I'm doing now.

There is, afterall, so much newness. But uncomfortable as it may be in the short term, it is in fact what I came for and it feels good to be reminded that I'm pretty good at finding my way. I find myself trying to soak it all up. Knowing that two years is going to fly by.

Check!

The page starts with "[GOALS for my 31st year]" and the last item listed is "Get out of corporate world". Check! I turned over my badge and my vehicle sticker. I'm no longer really welcome on campus. The place that has been my home for seven years seemed a little foreign as I drove past this afternoon. And I suspect that in a few months time it will seem strange that I ever wandered its halls.

But, for now, a big box of gifts and cards awaits me on my living room table. The remains of a really incredibly overwhelming day, filled with the people who have been my world for the past 7 years. For the most part I couldn't read the cards in front of everyone. Kept bursting into tears. What a sap! Who knew I was such a sap?!? But I look forward to looking at them now. At home. With a glass of wine. And a little privacy to bawl my eyes out if I want to.

All of those sweet sentiments. So hoaky but so meaningful at the same time. Just seeing everyone there was a truly humbling experience. And I cherished the opportunity to give just a little bit of thanks to the people who have stood like milestones along the way. Mark, Julie, Troy, Jennifer R, Leigh, Greg, Ben, Pat, Jayne, Jennifer L.

I'm not as good at gratitude as I wish I were.

Anyway, it was a special day and one that I won't forget any time soon. It reinforced to me that I'm doing the right thing. And it also taught me more about the type of person I want to be. (Thank you and lots of love to all of you.)

And now? Now I start a new journey. Got my school ID. Sat in on my first project meeting. Felt like some fucked up cross between a sea sponge and a deer in headlights. Its - so - friggin' - exciting!

And the best part? For the first time in over a month I began to feel... good. Really, really good.

Cheers!

Oh the joys of Ultimate in the summer. A big fat mosquito bite in the back of my knee that itches like all get-out. Maybe that mosquito got a big mouthful of Celexa and spent the next few days cowering in a safe & dark grassy nook, struck with panic at the thought of venturing out for another kill. Ha! Serves you right, damn mosquito! You messed with the wrong anxiety-ridden playah!

The truth is that, after 6 panic-stricken days, I’m gleefully off of Celexa …though Nancy tells me it will take another week or two to completely leave my system. And thankfully little by little I seem to be feeling better every day. I’m back at work and, save for some fatigue a little tunnel vision and general restlessness, it feels good.

Which is good. Because with 8 days to go, the going-away par-teh invitations are out, my desk is mostly clean, I bought my first back-pack in 10 years and, well, I’ve finally concluded that there’s no going back now. If ever you’re feeling unloved or unappreciated at work, I recommend throwing a going-away party for yourself. You get the nicest notes! Of course you’d also have to suffer the consequences (i.e. no job, no salary, no healthcare…) but those last few days you feel like a queen!

A Death

A month of headaches. And fog. And sluggishness. My first visit to psychologist as an adult. A trip to the ER. What's wrong with me?!



But today, while listening to a Radio Lab episode on the topic of life after death, it dawns on me. I'm experiencing this - this break from the job I've had for 7 years, a break, mind you, of my own making - as a death! A very slow and painful death! Shocking because its so unanticipated. For me, anyway. Julie seems to have known. She keeps telling me that every day will feel better and better and that a month from now I'll be just fine. (Oh Julie, what would I do without you?)

So I go through the motions. And I make to-do lists. Lots of to-do lists. And I try to keep busy. And I self-talk. A lot. And I hold tight to R, who's been with me all along. And I decide that seeing a psychologist might be a really good idea. And in the meantime I learn that so many others, friends and family members, have been through their own similar "bumps" somewhere along the way. You never learn these things... until you have to.

A death!

Strange that something I worked so hard for, something I deliberated on for so long, could suddenly feel so devastating. Like a snake that slithered in sometime in the night. So silent that I didn't even know it was there. Seething.

They don't tell you this when you register for the GRE, when they send you your acceptance letter, when you announce your imminent departure. But be warned all 1/3-life-career-changers: get a therapist and hold tight.

Best Place to Live?

I got caught being a liberal ass. CNNMoney.com released the 2009 ‘Best Places to Live’ list this week and I was stunned to find Lake St Louis, MO at #9. And I said so on Facebook, along with some belligerent comment about how it might be the best place to live for rich, white folk who fear diversity.

And then? Well then a friend commented that he’s in the midst of building a house there. Doh!

It is a nice town, in some definition of "nice", I suppose. One of those communities built out in the middle of nowhere, surrounding a man-made lake, where everyone has manicured lawns and tastefully painted exterior (as is probably mandated by the community association). A little too much like Pleasantville though, if you know what I mean. Just a little too insular. Like the whole community (who had the means) gave up on the rest of St Louis – with its education woes and governmental corruption - and just relocated 50 miles west. Fine – we’ll start our own game! And we’re taking our marbles with us!

Liberal muckraking aside, is there any truth to my suspicion? Well, below are the results of a highly unscientific study where I define “diversity” as the percent of each city that is African American or, in the inverse, the percent that is white. Keep in mind that the U.S. average %Black is 12.3 and the U.S. Average %White is 75.1. All of the Top-10 cities have lower (most significantly lower) than the U.S. average %Black. And all but one of the Top-10 cities have higher (most significantly higher) than the U.S. average %White. I guess it could have been worse, the study apparently excludes from consideration towns over 95% white.

"Best Place"	%Black	%White	Source
Louisville, CO	1	91.2	http://www.localcensus.com/city/Louisville/Colorado
Chanhassen, MN	3	91.7	http://www.muninetguide.com/states/minnesota/municipality/Chanhassen.php
Papillion, NE	2.5	93	http://www.americantowns.com/ne/papillion-information#data
Middleton, WI	2	90.7	http://www.muninetguide.com/states/wisconsin/municipality/Middleton.php
Milton, MA	10.2	84.4	http://www.muninetguide.com/states/massachusetts/municipality/Milton.php
Warren, NJ	1.26	86.28	http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Township,_New_Jersey#Demographics
Keller, TX	1.4	93.7	http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/48/4838632.html
Peachtree City, GA	6.1	87.7	http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/13/1359724.html
Lake St Louis, MO	1.8	94.8	http://www.muninetguide.com/states/missouri/municipality/Lake_St___Louis.php
Mukilteo, WA	5.7	63.9	http://www.muninetguide.com/states/washington/municipality/Mukilteo.php